What I have learnt about.... myself

In some ways we already know all about ourselves. Deep down, we hold all the secrets and mysteries of our being, locked away. We may not consciously know them, we may not admit them, we may not let them come out to play, but they are still there rattling their chains or flexing their muscles deep in our souls.

Some of these are secrets are shadows; those qualities and aspects of ourselves we do not admit or recognise because we are scared or or shamed or disgusted by them. Anger for instance, or selfishness or greed. Instead we deny that they within us, push them down, hide them away where no one can see them.

Some of those hidden parts to us on the other hand are treasures. Gold and Jewels. Traits or habits or characteristics that we don't think we have. Courage, wit, humour, forgiveness. Things we admire in others.

Shining a light into these places is not always easy, sometimes you have to go a long way around the world to do it. It is not always comfortable, but then adventures are also about hardship too.

Sometimes you know these treasures and depths are already there, and sometimes they come as a surprise.

I remember when I left my job as a teacher, I didn't really know what I was going to do. I knew that I was going to get a bike and drive it round India, but thats about it.

I wasn't sure exactly why I wanted to do this, but it had been a dream for a long time. I consciously told a lot of people that I was going to do this almost to force myself too, so I couldn't back out.

When I got out to Delhi, I was actually petrified. It might not have come out in the blog, but I was very nervous about the whole adventure. About getting a bike and driving it round. I didn't have a motorcycle license, I was not even sure I could remember how to ride. One I was there, half of me wanted to head right back to England and give up.

But I did get a bike. I did remember how to drive it. And I drove it the three hundred and fifty kilometres to the Himalayas. I was scared and nervous as hell but I did it.

I remember thinking when I arrived in Shimla, that whatever happens now, even if I crashed tomorrow, I will have done what I set out to do. Ride a motorbike up to the Himalayas. It was a feeling of massive relief almost close to elation.

In Himachel Pradesh I learnt that I could achieve what I set out to achieve.

After the hike up to base camp, when we were recovering in Kathmandu, late one night, over a shisha pipe and beers in a bar, someone asked the question, 'Could you die happy now?'

Mark shook his head, definitely no. I want to see my children grow up'.

Sarah, a volunteer working with street children, also shook her head, 'I'm engaged to be married. I haven't had children yet. If I died now, I would feel like I have missed out'.

Miriam was only 19, from Holland, trekking by herself because she couldn't stand Christmas at home. 'No! I am only 19! I don't want to die yet!'

Then it was my turn. I remembered a few years ago, soon after I became a teacher thinking that it would be ok if I died now. It wasn't that I had achieved everything that I had wanted to, but finally I had become a person that I could be proud of; an honest, decent, kind, patient, hard working, unselfish man. Very different to the vain and glory hunting young man I was before.

'I looked death in the face in Rajesthan. I could have died. I used to think I could die happy now, and I could. But I do not want to die now at all', was my answer to the question.

In Rajesthan, I learnt that I did not want to die. Just becoming the person that you want to be and achieving everything that you set out to is not enough to consider your life done. That decision is not left to us.

In Rajesthan I learnt that I did not want to die.

And finally on the trip up to base camp, I learnt what I want next in life. Actually that isn't quite right right. I knew all along, I just admitted it to myself.

And all that I learnt I knew already really, it was all inside. I just needed to come away to discover it.

We all have gifts inside of us. Maybe living is finding out what these gifts really are.